When I first read Your Money or Your Life at the beginning of this year, I went in hard. I was debt-free for like three weeks, and I went back in.

I know what I spent my money on, but it’s like, how? I don’t really regret the things that I bought. They’re just the ones I look at when it’s time to pay back this debt.

That was not the first time, either.

I remember five years ago, I identified as FIRE. That’s when I met my now wife. I was in debt back then too, and we both worked together and got out of debt. I think that’s what really made us connect: we had this common goal. We looked at it, we saw it, we attacked it, and destroyed it. And then, I guess, we got comfortable.

Now I have this job that pays so much. Ten years ago this would have been like, boom, I’m rich. I’m getting paid twice what the people I know get paid. I’m essentially, quote-unquote, the richest amongst all my friends. Haha. Jokes on you. I’m deep in debt.

I’m spent. Mentally, physically, spiritually, bank accountly.

I’m that person that everyone thinks has everything together, but I really don’t have everything together. It’s not about pretending, it’s about doing it when I have to.

If you earn well and the people around you have no idea what it actually looks like, you know this person.

Who knows what it is. I guess this is a discovery of what puts a person back.

Debt is not what you want. Everyone knows that. You know exactly what is the bad thing you don’t want, but the good thing you do want is invisible. We know you don’t want to step in the fire. Does that mean you have to step in the water?

With debt you have this purpose: to get out of debt. Some people know it, some people don’t. But you have this feeling to get out of debt. Not wanting to get back into debt is not enough. I’ve been in debt three, four times. That is not a good enough reason, clearly.

—  People might think the opposite of debt would be riches, but I think it is purpose.

That is why the zero never held. Own minus owe is where you stand. In minus out is which way you are moving. Twice I fixed the first number and never touched the second, because paying it off was the whole purpose, and once it was paid there was nothing left to point at.

Once you’re out of debt, what do you have?

Whatever your number, own minus owe puts you somewhere on the map: surviving, stabilising, building, accelerating, approaching freedom. You are here. The stage tells you where you are standing. It does not tell you what you are standing there for.

When I was in my late 20s, pumped for FI, it was just about money. I need $5 million so I can retire super happily. Now, with some foresight, the money is the speck of the whole picture. Vicki Robin is like the Oracle in The Matrix (this interview). You jump into FI and you think you’ll be happy, but then boom, no, you are not happy. But that journey itself puts you in this place where you start to explore your identity. It’s somewhat like rock bottom, but you’re a floating rock. Where do rocks float? Show me a rock that floats. I am a floating rock.

We feel trapped when we are not, but because you believe you are, you are trapped. It’s like the old fable of the elephant that grew up chained. When it was set free, it still had an ankle chain, and it thought it couldn’t run away. In fact, it was chained to a stick. An elephant chained to a stick. Our minds are powerful things.

Zero was the stick coming loose. I stayed, because I had nothing to run toward.

One thing. That’s all.

Write one line: what you would do once the debt is gone. Not "stay out of debt." That was never enough. One thing to run toward. Put it where you will see it on payday.

I want retirement. I don’t want retirement. I want retirement on my own terms.

Know someone who earns well and still wonders where it goes? Forward this.

That’s how Spent Memo grows.

— Brandon

Spent Memo. Every Week. spentmemo.com